


The Alien Cat

by wheel_pen



Series: Khan AU [14]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 02:11:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5316389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheel_pen/pseuds/wheel_pen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Augments accidentally pick up a stowaway, and Kirk offers Khan some insightful life advice about women, which he clearly needs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Alien Cat

**Author's Note:**

> The bad words are censored. That’s just how I do things.  
> I hope you enjoy this AU. I own nothing and appreciate the chance to play in this universe.

Kirk hated getting his quarterly physical. Why did it have to be _quarterly_ , that seemed excessive. Also, couldn’t McCoy take the fact that just last week he’d been hopping over alien terrain—in higher gravity, as well—fighting hand to hand with an orange lizard man as proof that he was in fine shape?

“Regulations, and no,” McCoy answered succinctly, attaching another monitor to him.

“Well, how much longer is it gonna take?” Kirk huffed.

“Including all the time you spend complaining?” McCoy countered dryly.

Kirk didn’t want anything bad to happen to the ship. But if there was some kind of medium-sized interruption right about now—

“ _Khan to Kirk_.” Not what he was expecting, but maybe it would do.

He waved off something McCoy was trying to stick him with. “Kirk here. What do you want?”

“ _I have something urgent to discuss with you_ ,” Khan announced. Of course he did. He did not, however, sound like anything was on fire or otherwise in a state of emergency. “ _Dr. McCoy might be useful as well_.”

Well, there went his escape. “Come down to Sickbay,” Kirk allowed with resignation.

“Oh good, I’ll set up the stress test,” McCoy quipped.

Moments later, it seemed, Khan strode into Sickbay, spine straight, shoulders back. Khan was not a sloucher. Kirk sat up a little straighter on the biobed but quickly found that wasn’t comfortable. “What’s going on?” he prompted.

Khan glanced around as if making sure the three of them were alone. Whatever he had to say made him slightly… uncomfortable was too strong a word, really, but he was a bit ill at ease. Which was intriguing.

“I have a cat in my pocket,” Khan finally said.

Kirk blinked at him, then glanced at McCoy, who also looked like he’d just heard Khan say he had a cat in his pocket. “What?” he responded.

“I have a cat, in my pocket,” Khan repeated, enunciating more.

“Oh wait, I got it,” Kirk decided, with some relief. “You’re telling jokes again. Only you’re doing it wrong. It’s not a _cat_ , it should be something like a phaser or a hypospray,” he advised. “You know, something… hard and pointy.” He was trying to be delicate, but Khan merely arched an eyebrow at him. “And anyway, _you_ don’t say it, someone else says it. Like Ruby says, ‘Is that a phaser in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?’”

Khan gazed at him for a long moment, somehow making Kirk feel very foolish even though _he_ had started this. “Have you given him drugs?” he asked McCoy.

“I feel like _I’m_ the only one _not_ on drugs,” McCoy replied. “What the h—l are you two talking about?”

Kirk didn’t think that much confusion was warranted. “Come on, Bones, that’s like the oldest line in the galaxy—“

Meanwhile, Khan reached into his pocket and pulled out a cat.

“Whoa, what the h—l?!” Kirk exclaimed, jumping to his feet to put a little more distance between himself and the creature, which Khan had deposited on another biobed. It was like Khan had drawn a long, stretchy piece of black silly putty out of his pocket and when it snapped back into shape, it formed a black cat, albeit one with a slightly more oblong head. It gave Sickbay an unimpressed look, then began to lick its paw and wash its face.

“Where did _that_ come from?” Kirk demanded, as McCoy scooted closer and started to scan it.

“Anorax VI, apparently,” Khan explained calmly. “We speculate it stowed away in Ruby’s bag, when she returned from the market. Don’t you have sensors to catch that sort of thing?” he asked Kirk in irritation. “People could be bringing back countless foreign contaminants—“

“We _do_ have sensors,” Kirk insisted. “Ruby brought it back?”

“On _accident_ ,” Khan emphasized, his look making Kirk feel ashamed for daring to think otherwise. “We are well aware of your regulations regarding—“

“Cool it, guys,” McCoy ordered, gazing at his tricorder results. “I’m not surprised the sensors didn’t catch this thing, I can barely get a lock on its molecular structure. Its atoms keep shifting and rearranging in patterns I’ve never seen before.”

He sounded amazed, but Kirk wasn’t getting it. “I don’t know, Bones, it looks like a regular cat to me.” The creature started to knead the biobed with its claws.

“Well _obviously_ it’s not,” McCoy countered, “or have you already forgotten how Khan was just carrying it around the ship in his pants pocket?” And Khan preferred his pants tight. “These readings suggest it could assume almost any form of the same mass it wanted.”

“Like a shapeshifter?” Kirk interpreted. That seemed bad. One minute you’re drinking coffee on the Bridge, the next minute your cup changes into an alien cat trying to steal your torpedo launch codes. That could put a person off coffee for good.

McCoy was hesitant to agree, however. “I dunno, maybe it’s just… squishy,” he hedged. He let the cat sniff his hand, then tentatively pet its head. Like a soft pillow the cat’s body conformed to the shape of his hand, then slowly reverted back to its original cat shape.

“Creepy,” Kirk judged. “You’re sure it doesn’t have fleas?”

“No pathogenic organisms detected,” McCoy assured him. “We’ll have to bring in a xenozoologist, though. ‘Squishy cat’ isn’t coming up in the database.”

“Is that the usual procedure?” Khan questioned. “Do you get so many alien creatures stowing away aboard your ship, that you have multiple specialists devoted to studying them?”

“They’re not for _stowaways_ ,” Kirk corrected in annoyance. “Mainly they do planetary surveys and collect specimens.” Khan was unimpressed.

“And they get called in whenever some careless security officer gets bitten by an alien frog or bat,” McCoy added dryly, “to help identify it and suggest a treatment.” Kirk did not think this would improve Khan’s opinion—Augments would no doubt just avoid being bitten. Or bite back.

“So tell me again how it got here,” Kirk questioned.

“You allowed Ruby and Hamish to visit the market on Anorax VI,” Khan repeated, for the benefit of inferior minds. “They purchased several items, all inert and within regulations. When they returned to our quarters Ruby discovered this creature in her bag. It did not correspond to any of the purchases, so we suspect it crept in while her attention was elsewhere. Motivation unknown,” he finished, looking at the cat speculatively.

“Well, hopefully it doesn’t belong to anyone, because we’re not taking it back,” Kirk decided. “We’ve got those medical supplies to deliver.”

“Ruby wishes to keep it, if this is allowed,” Khan informed him. He didn’t seem to care much either way. “She will be responsible for it.”

Sure, why shouldn’t the Augments have a pet, as well as a tribble farm, art classes, and a garden plot? “Make sure Xenozoology gets a look at it,” Kirk reiterated. “They might be common in this sector. If we find another population we should drop it off.” Somehow he didn’t think that would happen, though.

The cat meowed suddenly, amazingly sounding like a regular cat. “It’s hungry,” Khan judged.

“I think I can synthesize some nutrient pellets based on its metabolic profile,” McCoy planned, tapping at the computer.

“What, you speak cat now?” Kirk couldn’t help saying to Khan. The cat continued meowing, which was quickly getting old. “If so, tell it food is on the way, no need to keep chattering about it.”

Khan gave him a disdainful look. “Merely an intelligent supposition,” he claimed. Then he added after a moment, “Ruby wishes to use the cat as an outlet for her nurturing impulses, or so Hamish tells me. Apparently the tribbles are not suitable for this purpose?” He clearly didn’t understand why.

“No, because you _eat_ them,” Kirk spelled out. It was nice when he could give Khan a little education now and then. “You can’t form an emotional bond with something, and then kill it and eat it.” Khan raised an eyebrow. “Well, maybe _you_ can, but most normal people can’t.”

“Hey, my grammy used to name all the chickens, and let us pick out which one we wanted for supper,” McCoy put in, with some indignation.

“Like I said, _normal_ people,” Kirk deadpanned, and McCoy rolled his eyes.

“I doubt I could form the emotional bond,” Khan conceded. “Ruby would have brought the cat herself, but I suggested your procedure might be to terminate it, and that would have upset her.”

Kirk grimaced at him. “G-d, no, that’s horrible,” he countered automatically.

“Here we go, one bowl of kitty delight,” McCoy announced, setting a bowl of unappetizing moist pellets in front of the cat. It dug in with gusto.

“Okay, maybe if it was hostile or infested with pathogens,” Kirk added guiltily. “I mean, the crew’s safety has to come first.”

“Of course.” Khan did not so much agree, as wonder why Kirk bothered stating such obvious facts.

“I guess I can see how Ruby would like it, though,” Kirk allowed, as the cat began to purr while eating. “I expect she doesn’t get many nurturing opportunities around _you_.”

“No,” Khan agreed dryly.

“Hey, kitty kitty,” Kirk said to the creature, and reached out to pet it as McCoy had. However, the cat looked up from its food bowl with a hiss, and bared an absolutely unnecessary number of teeth. Kirk withdrew quickly. “Whoa! That was a little hostile.”

“Edna doesn’t like to be disturbed while eating,” Khan noted clinically. “Please, Kirk, continue your ill-conceived behavioral experiments, so I may learn from them.”

Kirk rolled his eyes. “Did you call it Edna?” McCoy asked with some amusement.

“Ruby named it,” Khan assured him dispassionately. “She said the name was sophisticated and elegant.” The cat finished eating, having left two bites behind just to show she could, apparently, and then started cleaning herself again. This time the action was accompanied by unsavory noises. “She does seem to be fixated on personal hygiene,” Khan suggested positively. “As children we had some dogs as pets. They were difficult to bathe.”

Kirk could not quite picture little Khan romping with a puppy. “Don’t make a habit of picking up strays,” he warned. “This isn’t a pet-friendly environment.”

“No pets, no children, no livestock, no crops,” Khan summarized. “What _is_ this environment friendly towards?” His question clearly did not require an answer and he held out his arm to the cat. “Come, Edna. We will return to the female Augment you bonded with.”

If Kirk knew anything about cats, he knew they could ignore and disdain at least as well as Khan, and he was looking forward to seeing the other man stymied. However, much to Kirk’s disappointment, it appeared that Edna had found a kindred spirit, and she readily climbed onto his arm and up to his shoulder, perching there securely in a slightly unnatural way.

“I kind of wanted to see you put her back in your pocket,” McCoy admitted, and Edna gave him a look which was frankly poisonous.

“I concealed her merely to avoid alarming the crew,” Khan dismissed. Clearly he felt the crew was easily alarmed. “Should I take that precaution again?”

Edna blinked at Kirk as if to say, _You wanna stuff me back in a pocket? Go ahead and try._ “No, that’s okay,” Kirk allowed, trying to project confidence. Not usually a problem for him. “Keep her out of trouble, though. No wandering the halls or scratching up the furniture.”

“We will endeavor to be responsible,” Khan promised, and by this point Kirk couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not. Having sown confusion and insecurity Khan’s work was done and he strolled out of Sickbay with far more poise than a man with a cat on his shoulder should be able to manage.

“Khan has the _best_ problems,” Kirk commented, staring after him. No one else, he was sure, could’ve come up with that one.

A loud beep behind him made him jump. “Sorry, sorry,” McCoy said, tapping at his scanner. “I forgot to change the setting from ‘squishy alien cat’ to ‘human.’” This time when he pointed it at Kirk it only hummed softly.

“Not sure you’re qualified to give a physical if you can’t tell the difference between us,” Kirk quipped, somehow knowing he was not going to escape this exam.

“Yeah, well, I’m a doctor, not a veterinarian,” McCoy shot back.

**

A few days later Kirk spotted Khan in the hall, with Edna still ensconced on his shoulder. “I thought that was Ruby’s cat,” he commented, falling into step beside him.

“Ruby is otherwise occupied,” Khan replied crisply, and Kirk figured there was a story _there_. “So I am taking the cat for a walk.”

They traveled a few more paces down the hall, the cat remaining on Khan’s shoulder. “I think you’re doing it wrong,” Kirk deadpanned.

Khan looked at him like he was stupid. Khan’s cat looked at him like he was stupid. Kirk didn’t think he could take it in stereo. “I suppose you didn’t read the report from Xenozoology,” Khan surmised. “Fascinating group of scientists, by the way. Such passion for obscurity.”

Kirk did not know what _that_ was supposed to mean. “Report? On the cat? I might have skimmed it.” He got quite a lot of reports every day, most of them much more urgent.

“Edna possess an internal mechanism which generates and consumes energy as she is moved in resistance to local gravity,” Khan explained. “She does not actually need to employ physical effort.” Edna meowed, in an insulting way.

“What’d she say?” Kirk asked.

Khan’s expression was not helpful. “I don’t know, Kirk,” he replied slowly. “She’s a _cat_. A lower life form.” Edna didn’t even have the grace to claw Khan for that remark, but merely began washing her face with complete confidence in his transportation powers.

Kirk rolled his eyes. “Well, what’s Ruby doing?”

Here, at least, Khan looked slightly perturbed. “Malaya and Ruby are adorning their hair,” he reported. “For no purpose other than decoration, and lack of more productive activities.” He tried to put this back on Kirk, but the other man wasn’t taking it.

“Oh, so, you got kicked out of the girl party, huh?” Kirk extrapolated with a smirk. “Yeah, you would completely ruin the mood.”

“I’m sure I would prove immensely helpful to them, if given the chance,” Khan claimed. “The physical manipulation of the hair does not appear difficult, and I could certainly give them advice about the attractiveness of their choices.”

“Did Hamish or Banjoko get to stay?” Kirk checked.

“No, they went to the gym.”

“Well see, like I said, it’s a girl party,” Kirk tried to explain. Never let it be said he wouldn’t give Khan a little life advice when he clearly needed it. “Girls only. Nice to see they’re getting along now.”

“Yes, the social bonding is important,” Khan conceded, “though the gender exclusion is mysterious.”

“No, that’s the point—“ They paused while Edna sort of… flowed to Khan’s other shoulder, which was a bit creepy. “Admit it, that cat is weird,” Kirk said, interrupting himself.

“Yes,” Khan agreed dryly. “And far more vocal than I’d anticipated, especially at night.”

Edna meowed again, allowing Khan to resume his walk. “She’s sure got you well-trained,” Kirk cracked.

He could see Khan did not appreciate this comment. “I have taken temporary responsibility for the creature, therefore, I am obligated to respond to its needs,” he replied. Mainly he made it sound like Kirk wasn’t mature enough to think of this, but Kirk thought he detected a hint of defensiveness as well.

“Oh, sure,” Kirk agreed, still smirking. A blond yeoman passed them, her eyes lingering on the cat as though she wanted to stop and pet it, though between Khan and her captain she didn’t have the nerve. Understandable, but disappointing. “Girls like cats,” Kirk reminded himself, wondering if he could borrow Edna sometime.

“Yes, you were giving me your insights into the female human psyche,” Khan remarked, clearly not expecting much. “Though I don’t know how applicable they will be to Augments.”

Kirk rolled his eyes. “Not that different, I bet.” Even alien women tended to have certain traits in common with human females, at least the ones Kirk had, er, investigated. “So, Malaya and Ruby.”

“Yes.”

“Girl party.”

“So you keep saying.”

“Well, they’re talking about stuff they don’t talk about when guys are around.” It seemed rather obvious actually, Kirk thought.

“Such as?” Khan prompted.

Only two things came to Kirk’s mind, though he really tried to think of others. “Girl biology stuff,” he described vaguely, “and guys.”

He was not sure Khan was won over by this insightful answer. “Why couldn’t they discuss those subjects in the presence of men?”

Kirk felt if Khan didn’t get the first one he was never going to, so he skipped to the second. “Come on, they’re not going to talk about someone who’s sitting _right there_ ,” he pointed out.

“Oh, do you mean they’re _complaining_ about me?” Khan inferred, as though he had no idea why anyone might have cause for that.

“Or making fun of the silly things you do,” Kirk added, thinking of his cousin’s slumber parties he’d eavesdropped on as a child. “Though I can’t imagine what _those_ might be,” he admitted flatly.

“My Augments are allowed to complain about me in my presence,” Khan responded with a shrug. Edna did not like being shrugged and made this known. “I don’t punish them for it.”

“How benevolent you are,” Kirk shot back. “Anyway, it’s not that, it’s more that you tend to put a damper on free speech. You know, with your—“ He tried to do an impromptu Khan impersonation, with a straight, stiff back and cold expression.

“My… posture?” Khan guessed disdainfully. “Anyway it doesn’t seem to work on _you_.”

Absurdly, Kirk felt this might be a compliment of some sort. The man who spoke freely to Khan and lived to tell the tale! There was no hint of confirmation on Khan’s face, though, merely dismissive coolness when Kirk failed to respond.

“No,” Khan said sternly out of nowhere, and Kirk glanced over to see Edna attempting to ooze her way to the top of Khan’s head. “You will stay on my shoulder or you will transport yourself.” Edna meowed in protest, but Khan was not the type to be persuaded; when she pushed her luck, he plucked her from his shoulder and set her on the floor, then started to walk on.

Edna sat stubbornly in the middle of the hallway, meowing. “You can’t—hey, you can’t just leave the cat there,” Kirk protested, looking at the increasing distance between Khan and Edna. “She might—get into the warp engine or something.”

“It would be a poor design if she could,” Khan commented without concern.

“No, it’s _your_ cat, you have to keep charge of her,” Kirk insisted. He did not need a weird alien cat creeping around the ship, squeezing into tiny space and chewing on things. “Cats are very curious, you know—“ Already Edna was looking at the hallway around her with interest.

Khan sighed and stopped walking. “You are correct, I should not abandon her,” he conceded. “Edna! Come here. We’re almost home and you may interact with Ruby again. Ruby spoils her,” he added to Kirk. “Unnecessary and unhealthy.”

“Cats don’t usually—“ But there was Edna trotting up to them, twining herself around the arm Khan reached down for her, like a furry snake. “Guess you’ve got the magic touch.”

“Merely proper motivation.” They reached the Augments’ cabin, where the guards snapped to attention when they saw Kirk. One of these days he might as well dismiss the guards altogether, he thought. Khan marched into the cabin, followed more slowly by Kirk, who wasn’t sure what they might be interrupting.

Hair-braiding, apparently, as Malaya and Ruby were sitting on the bed with Malaya turning Ruby’s hair into a complicated tangle. “Edna!” Ruby exclaimed happily, and the cat leapt from Khan to her lap, where she was lovingly squashed like an understuffed pillow. “Did you have a nice walk? Are you all tired out now? Poor sleepy kitty!” Malaya snorted slightly, as if she didn’t see the point of pets at all. Prey, maybe, but not pets.

“Have you completed your gender-exclusive bonding?” Khan asked. “That will be difficult to maintain,” he added of Malaya’s complex, multicolored hairstyle.

“Good thing I’m the best with hair,” Malaya replied smartly, making Ruby giggle.

“True,” Khan agreed, completely serious. “You may adjust mine if you like,” he allowed, settling gracefully beside her. Somehow he still looked debonair even with his long bangs sweeping across his face. “I fear Kirk does not have much to work with in this regard.”

“We could dye your hair, Captain,” Ruby offered cheerfully, over Edna’s obnoxiously loud purring. “Blue, maybe. Or tiger stripes!”

Kirk took a moment to imagine Spock’s reaction when he walked back onto the Bridge, which was fun until Khan ruined it by tsking, “Oh no, what would Mr. Spock say?” It was a _dare_ , and Kirk almost took it. Then he remembered he was a starship captain and more mature than that. Unfortunately.

“No, thanks,” he told Ruby politely. “Gotta get back to work. You guys have fun.”

“Tell me what you’ve been talking about,” he heard Khan demanding as he escaped. He hoped Malaya and Ruby could hold their own against him.


End file.
